Consequences of journey over destination

Warning: this is personal, rambly and terribly written. I hope you enjoy.

The basics

So I started trying to monetize my games. I've put up a game on steam. I've read a lot about how to market a game (cough cough guess where I read it) and how to build a functional business and about value proposals and how to get a life and how to get a girlfriend and how to get a boyfriend and how to be a good person. I've not been very successful in any of these matters. What I have been successful in is ruining one of my favourite hobbies for myself; making games.

So, let's set the scene. I'm 19 and taking a sabbatical between gymnasium and university. The only work where I have a boss that isn't myself is light operator gigs. Maybe one every two weeks. Not that much income, but good enough while living at home and waiting to start university in a few months. (oh yea I'm Swedish so the government actually pays for the education and pays me to go there and gives me a loan to go there). But to me that wasn't enough, and I wanted more money. Why? Because I felt like I didn't have enough. And if I make a lot of money I'm successful right? That's the mindset I was starting to get into.

I researched marketing a lot, and did learn a lot as well. I started focusing on how much visibility my games were getting, and compared myself to the big indies and tried to learn from them. I created plans for how to develop my indie dev company. I started creating ideas based on what my research was telling me I should create. And I realized I hated everything I created. It just wasn't good enough. It didn't do well enough. I wanted results, and I wanted them now. I didn't get them now. So I worked more and more so I could get those results faster. And it was terrible.

I shortened the times I made games in. 40 hours, 20 hours. 4 hours. Just to get a result. I was literally stuck in a "get rich quickly" scheme I created against myself. I started hating sitting down and working on stuff. I felt like shit and had trouble getting out of bed. I focused on the destination.

Get the fuck out

I'm not out of it yet, but I'm on my way. Porter Robinson says in "nurture live behind the scenes" that "when you're turning what you are doing creatively into work, perhaps the most difficult job of all is trying to forget that it's work. And to get back in that state of just pure exploration and creativity and fun". That really resonates with me. I've been so focused on making things that can sell that I forgot how to have fun. Why I enjoyed any of this in the first place.

I've been trying to build a brand, both for studio hemvist and for wistpotion (my music alias, and solo gamedev alias). I've gotten the idea that you create your brand and then you never change it. Because that's what you have to do so people recognize you and remember the brand. Because that's what you have to do. Build your audience and retain it. Don't stray too far, or you will lose people. Porter Robinson is the polar opposite of this. He has completely switched musical genre like four times and same with his graphical style. And I love it so much. He has changed his brand a lot. Or what I have seen as a brand at least. He still has one thing though that identifies him, and that is his authenticity. He strives to make what he feels like making at the moment. I also want to be authentic. It seems like a lot more fun than making yourself a product.

I was watching a video about how first time devs forget that commercial game dev is both art and business and only focus on the art side. I feel like I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I've forgotten that game dev is art, and that art is personal. And that a good way to make good art is to have fun. To fuck with it if you will. I've been making games from a business perspective first. "What game will do well?" and then I've worked backwards to figure out what to make. I want to do it the other way now. I want to have the idea first, I want to have a fun prototype to play with. Then I want to find the right audience for that game, and show people who I think would be interested in the game.

Because if I feel like making a 2d puzzle platformer, then fuck you, I will. I'll just make it really small and target the people that really like 2d puzzle platformers. But I will have fun along the way, and add things to the game because I feel like they will be fun to make and play with.

Rami Ismail had a great talk where he explained how in nuclear throne (spoiler incoming) they made it so when you reach the final stage of the game, you shoot a massive throne. And then you get struck by a massive beam of light and pretty much everyone dies the first time. Because Vlambeer loves to mess with their players. And their players, while getting pissed off, adore the humour in it. It felt like a friend messing with you. The game had personality. I want my games to have personality as well.

In the video ""realistic" graphics aren't about "graphics"" by gst they talk about 90s graphics, and a mindset of "you get the idea". The goal was just to tell the player enough so they figure out what the hell is happening. A comment on the video explained why games from 90s could still look "good":

    Not being "ugly" - this is about elements of graphic looking really "undercooked" and inconsistent. Again, this also depends on the game as a whole. Many 3D games from the PS1 era have graphics that are obviously inferior to modern graphics, but they are still playable, because art direction makes sure they look as good as possible, not necessarily by going for "photorealism".

I think this applies to vampire survivors. It's ugly but it's consistent in it's uglyness and it has a personality. It looks ugly in the best possible way, the same way I'd say half life does. Also in the gameplay. Just moving around and automatically attacking is really boring, but when you start adding enemies and upgrades it shows that super simple gameplay in the best possible light. And the music of undertale. The mix is meh and overall there is a fair bit of jank, but the emotion is in there and it does exactly what it has to do. A short hike is super cronchy and has quite crummy animations, but adamgryu made it work with fantastic colors and overall aesthetic. The original rolling girl feels old and mechanical but makes the best of it. Driftcats appearance on synthions debut. I think what they all have is a fundamentally interesting personality. And then just present it in an interesting way.

I think what I'm trying to get at is that quality doesn't define how much something will be worth to someone. Art doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be. And I think that even if the art isn't the highest quality it can still matter a lot to people. And it's really sad that people think that their art isn't "good enough" and never show it. I would never have have gotten to see if the "at rest" music video by acloudyskye if they worried about the textures not being seamless along edges. The skyward+ set is quite janky, but I'm so so grateful that I got to see it. Because I've just never seen something like it before. And it really evoke something in me. Same with the stage visualizers that paper skies makes. Not perfect, but they are really cool and most importantly, they are actually released.

Actionable part!

FUCK SUCCESS. When I started making music I got hooked on the feeling of improving. Of making a song better. Of becoming a better artist. I want to go back to focusing on improving instead of delivering. My goal is not to make something fantastic, it's just to make the best thing I can right now.

Make shitposts. I think the best work I've done started with "ah fuck it let's try it". I made a really cool stage visualizer because I had a minute of song in a video that I didn't know what to do with and said "fuck it". I ran my first light show with a launch pad and some open source software. I cooked up 3hos while sitting on a train with a shitty laptop being bored. Just making things because it seems interesting.

Make it just better than terrible, and then move on. I can only do so much for the marketing of a game. Or the development. I aim to do the things that matter the most and then just moving on. Because starting to work on my next thing is better than trying to come up with a better way to fake 3d with sprites because people will click the game more. If you don't enjoy it, do the bare minimum and then move on. If you do enjoy it, spend more time on it. 20 / 80 rule kinda thing. Shitty is often good enough.

Work until you feel done with it. I'll stop tracking my time and just work on stuff until I feel like they are done or until I'm not interested in it anymore. No pressure to finish anything.

Steal more. A lot of my favourite developers and artists reapply ideas very liberally and are happy to implement their inspirations in their work. After I sent the (small) artist the visualizer I'd made they were super happy about it. And the times I've felt like I've inspired someone else I've been very proud about it. I want to send these kinds of "love letters" / easter eggs to the things I enjoy. It would be a shame to not build upon the things incredible people have made.

Less but better. You don't have to pump out things. Finishing and shipping stuff is good, but rushing things because they "have to be done" is not a healthy way to go about things. If I feel the need to rush, I should start cutting things away. I want to do the things that actually matter, and do it at an enjoyable pace.

Things are allowed to take time. If I'm doing something I enjoy, I'll allow it to take time. If I'm not enjoying it, I'll do the bare minimum, and move onto something I'll enjoy more. I'll allow myself to polish the things I enjoy, just because I think it's fun.

Professional doesn't mean good. The youtube tutorials / essays I've learnt the most from have been recorded with a shitty camera and mic by people who care. GST's video on david wise and the wavestation is a perfect example. Undertales trailer.

Final thoughts

Fuck you. In particular.

No actually I appreciate you reading this, I hope you've learned something. I'm putting this out here both so I have to make my thoughts a bit more concrete, but also to give people a chance to learn from my experiences.

In accordance with the actionable part above, I've done the bare minimum (writing this), and that has fulfilled my goal of spewing out these thoughts. It would increase the quality of the article if I read through it and edited it, but that's not very fun, so I will not do that. See, I'm learning!

See ya around <3
- issie